I is for Introspection

I’ve been kinda flippant during most of this challenge, but a couple of days ago I had confidence crisis. I pulled out a pen and notebook to do this post, and this is what I wrote, word for word, my thoughts and feelings undiluted and uncensored:

ten sad

You had a lucky escape. I soooo wanted to stick a photo of Merlin crying here – the cheekbones were mesmerising! This is pretty mesmerising, though.

Even I have days where I feel like I can’t make this writing thing work. My ultimate goal, like so many of my fellow writers, is to scrape a living doing something I love. I don’t need much. I don’t need fame or theme parks built in honour of my characters (though a girl can dream). I just want to write. Mostly I stay optimistic and focused but sometimes I look at the handful of sales I’ve made for a trilogy that took me six years to complete and I wonder whether it’s worth it. I’m not bleating, just being honest. I know that when it comes down to it, they’re just books. No one dies if they don’t sell. I have my family and friends and health. I have a decent job and hope for the future of a different kind. Even so, some days, it feels like the sky is falling in.

That was what I wrote down. But then I remembered this blog post and it reminded me of the reasons why I write. I write because I have to or my head would explode and there would be mixed up stories splat all over the wall and they wouldn’t make any sense to anyone, least of all me.

Today, I’m back to my annoying, flippant self again. I may delete this post, who knows? It feels like a weakness I shouldn’t be admitting. Or maybe it’s weaker not to admit it that sometimes I get down too.

14 thoughts on “I is for Introspection

  1. I’m sure you’re right, writing is enough of an emotional challenge without everything that goes along with it. I do feel lucky to have the support and friendship of other writers like you, though πŸ™‚

  2. No, don’t delete it! The more writers share these moments the stronger we become. It’s what keeps us grounded and makes us try even harder. You’ve achieved so much more already than most – a trilogy! Feel proud of that.

  3. This is a great honest post; and one we all feel at some point. Self-publishing has opened the door for people who get turned down by traditional publishing houses, but the promotion isn’t on par. Keep going – you write great stories and someday that theme park may come within reach!

  4. I can relate to your introspection. I’ve had a few of those kind of days lately. That’s when I decided that I had just put too much on my plate for this month. I decided to let a few things go, but wanted to continue focusing on the A to Z Challenge. I have come up with so many short story ideas. Sometimes, it hard for me to find a stopping place. I want to continue a whole story. Thanks for sharing your introspection! πŸ™‚
    A to Z April Blogging Challenge

  5. Don’t delete this post. It’s wonderfully honest and you know how I feel about that!

    Your writing is wonderful, it had me trying not to cry on a train. It may be slow going, but it is going and you will get to a place you feel happier with, but as you say, you love the writing, so keep at it. I for one want to keep reading.

  6. I’m right there with you. Thanks for sharing. It’s so easy to start feeling like you’re the only one, the only one who gets discouraged… everyone else is like, “Rejection letter #45! Hooray! Progress!” and I’m like, “Yeah, I stopped sending queries because rejection letter #3 was the one that made me realize I’d rather just write books and sell 2 copies than spend the rest of my life writing query letters.” LOL

    It’s good to know we’re not alone.

    • Yes, I can really identify with the time spent writing queries that seem pointless when you’d really rather be writing books. It’s a tough call. It’s good to know (or maybe depressing!) that others feel the same way. πŸ™‚

  7. I’m just catching up with your A-Z posts so this is a bit late, but I wanted to add to the chorus of don’t delete this post, and you are not alone! I feel like that some days too, I think all writers must do at some point, but I’m really glad you posted that because I feel better knowing I’m not alone too!

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